Well I can't say the weather has done much to help my mood today. It's as grey out there as I feel inside at the moment.
My children have now gone off to their dad's for the entire weekend and I'm left with this hole and wondering what to do with myself. You would think I would have got used to it by now after 4 years of this same routine.
Today I did some work for an hour or so this morning and then came home and went straight back to bed again until it was time for my school run. Luckily I remember that I was due there 20mins early to look at some work my eldest's class had been doing.
My house looks like a complete bombsite as everything is building up as I'm getting nothing done. A friend popped over earlier which normally would have been highly embarassing, but whilst i made all the usual noises about ooh, sorry bout state of the place, actually i couldn't have cared less.
There's washing on the line that's been there for three days and is just going through this circle of drying, getting wet, nearly drying, getting wet. I have vowed that the one thing I will achieve with my weekend if nothing else is that I will at least have clean uniforms for the children next week as well as pants and socks for everyday and that there will be no looking in the other ones drawers to see if they have anything clean that can be borrowed.
Guess I'm feeling pretty lonely too this week. After a major falling out with my best friends over a month ago now (one which I have apologised for although I certainly wasn't all at fault, but still not being forgiven and being shunned and left out of the group) I am feeling lonely. My friends have always meant so much to me, they're more like family and being single I guess I have relied too heavily on them. Never thought that I did but now that they're not there am realising that there is little else left.
Having no one coming home at the end of the day and spending a lot of time at home as that's where I do the majority of my work (when I can be bothered and am not sleeping all day) I am noticing the lack of social interaction with my friends and think that's a major contributing factor to how I'm feeling now.
One of my very good friends (who still likes me - I think?) has had a really manic week herself workwise and so I haven't liked to trouble her with how I'm feeling. Am also scared that if i scare her off by telling her how low I really am then I'll be left with no one at all. We usually see each other several times a week but I haven't seen her since I can't remember when. Certainly not for the last week, may have been last Thursday, if not before that, so over 8 days anyway. We have sent the odd text to each other, but when she is so snowed under I don't want to tell her I am so sad as I don't want her feeling she should come over to see me but can't as so busy and then feeling guilty or dropping things to come and see me and then jeopardising her career.
To top everything off my 8 month old King Charles Spaniel keeps peeing in her bed! I am constantly trying to wash her bedding and get it dry. What's that all about? Didn't think dogs usually urinated in places where they eat or sleep? It's not that she's doing it overnight when she can't get out, she's doing it in the daytime when the outside door is open, right in front of me. It's beginning to get on top of me now.
Can't even make a decision tonight as to what to have for dinner. Whether to cook the pasta parcels that are in the fridge or to go out in all this rain and get a chinese takeaway. Haven't had one for ages and am quite hungry, but don't know whether i can be bothered with either.
Am thinking that if i stop eating all together, which could be something that I feel I could be in control of in my life, then I might lose the 7 stone or so that I need to quite quickly. Having done lots of exercise recently in aid of a 26mile sponsored walk that I did, am feeling quite fat and unfit again now. The walking definitely helped with toning up and i can see that what little definition there was is definitely gone now. I need to start again, but I'm not the sort of person to go walking on my own, which is why it was so good that there was a big group of us.
Maybe I'll just go to bed early and forget all about dinner, the housework, the proper paid work that is stacking up that I need to get done and maybe in the morning when I wake up it will magically be done!
Night all
xxx
Friday, 17 June 2011
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
Feeling Blue
I have been reading one of those trashy chic lits that I love so much and in it the therapist of one of the characters suggested that she write a letter to her ex to explain exactly how he hurt her and how she felt. She was never to send these letters but by putting pen to paper it would help her establish her feelings and slowly realise she could be happy again.
This started me thinking that maybe i could do the same sort of thing with a blog - writing freely about how i feel without anyone knowing who i am (we all know how so called 'friends' view people with any mental health issues!). There isn't an ex-boyfriend to exorcise, or maybe there are several we'll see over the coming days and weeks just lots of jumbled feelings, of sadness, loneliness and lack of lustre for life any more.
So where to start? Well today, I went to bed. Yes, that's right, i got up with 45mins to get children up, washed, dressed, fed, lunches ready, bags packed and off to school. Then, i came home and went to bed and there I stayed until it was time (6 hrs later!) to go and collect my little angels from school.
This is the format my days have been taking for the past few weeks now, except for the 2 days a week that I work, although I usually do sneak back to bed as soon as I get home from work, leaving the children in front of the TV or playing while I do so.
I'm a single mum, having split up from my husband around 4 years ago and at the moment am finding life very hard. He wasn't a bad man at all, we just grew apart, you know how it happens. It creeps up on you slowly and eventually you realise that you are more like brother and sister than husband or wife, let alone lovers.
He's a good dad though and still plays a very active part in the children's lives having them to stay a couple of times a week, which gives me a break. Sometimes that break is a good thing, I can go out with friends and let my hair down, enjoy a relaxing evening on my own with the TV and/or a good book, and even allows for the occasional date! Don't worry they are very few and far between these days! Other times it feels like the worst thing in the world to be separated from my children - I can miss them like mad and nothing seems to make sense without them here. When I'm feeling like that I tend to sleep to try and get through the days without them, eagerly hoping that when i wake up it will be time for them to return.
This past couple of weeks I have been feeling particularly lonely and sad and lacking any motivation to do anything. I also do some work from home, only I don't at the moment as I have no motivation to do any. The housework is not getting done, I can't remember the last time I cooked a meal, the washing pile is unbelievable, i would never have believed we owned so many clothes and we really are muddling through. Alongside all this I am feeling very fat and ugly too.
I want to get fitter and lose weight but don't have the energy or motivation to do so. I saw a friend of mine this morning at the school gates who has the most gorgeous figure and was wearing a lovely dress with a belt to accentuate her tiny waist. I came home vowing that I too would look like that someday soon, no matter what it took, cutting out carbs or even food altogether. Of course, one chicken, bacon and mayo sandwich, two packets of crisps and a kit kat later i had forgotten all about that and decided that today was not the day to start any sort of new regime. I did buy two diet magazines at the shops on my way home though - so I'm sure they'll start working soon!
Just seen the time and it's getting late (it's gone 8.30pm you know) so think i will sign off now and go and have a bath and an early night.
Be back soon
Me
x
This started me thinking that maybe i could do the same sort of thing with a blog - writing freely about how i feel without anyone knowing who i am (we all know how so called 'friends' view people with any mental health issues!). There isn't an ex-boyfriend to exorcise, or maybe there are several we'll see over the coming days and weeks just lots of jumbled feelings, of sadness, loneliness and lack of lustre for life any more.
So where to start? Well today, I went to bed. Yes, that's right, i got up with 45mins to get children up, washed, dressed, fed, lunches ready, bags packed and off to school. Then, i came home and went to bed and there I stayed until it was time (6 hrs later!) to go and collect my little angels from school.
This is the format my days have been taking for the past few weeks now, except for the 2 days a week that I work, although I usually do sneak back to bed as soon as I get home from work, leaving the children in front of the TV or playing while I do so.
I'm a single mum, having split up from my husband around 4 years ago and at the moment am finding life very hard. He wasn't a bad man at all, we just grew apart, you know how it happens. It creeps up on you slowly and eventually you realise that you are more like brother and sister than husband or wife, let alone lovers.
He's a good dad though and still plays a very active part in the children's lives having them to stay a couple of times a week, which gives me a break. Sometimes that break is a good thing, I can go out with friends and let my hair down, enjoy a relaxing evening on my own with the TV and/or a good book, and even allows for the occasional date! Don't worry they are very few and far between these days! Other times it feels like the worst thing in the world to be separated from my children - I can miss them like mad and nothing seems to make sense without them here. When I'm feeling like that I tend to sleep to try and get through the days without them, eagerly hoping that when i wake up it will be time for them to return.
This past couple of weeks I have been feeling particularly lonely and sad and lacking any motivation to do anything. I also do some work from home, only I don't at the moment as I have no motivation to do any. The housework is not getting done, I can't remember the last time I cooked a meal, the washing pile is unbelievable, i would never have believed we owned so many clothes and we really are muddling through. Alongside all this I am feeling very fat and ugly too.
I want to get fitter and lose weight but don't have the energy or motivation to do so. I saw a friend of mine this morning at the school gates who has the most gorgeous figure and was wearing a lovely dress with a belt to accentuate her tiny waist. I came home vowing that I too would look like that someday soon, no matter what it took, cutting out carbs or even food altogether. Of course, one chicken, bacon and mayo sandwich, two packets of crisps and a kit kat later i had forgotten all about that and decided that today was not the day to start any sort of new regime. I did buy two diet magazines at the shops on my way home though - so I'm sure they'll start working soon!
Just seen the time and it's getting late (it's gone 8.30pm you know) so think i will sign off now and go and have a bath and an early night.
Be back soon
Me
x
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