I have been reading one of those trashy chic lits that I love so much and in it the therapist of one of the characters suggested that she write a letter to her ex to explain exactly how he hurt her and how she felt. She was never to send these letters but by putting pen to paper it would help her establish her feelings and slowly realise she could be happy again.
This started me thinking that maybe i could do the same sort of thing with a blog - writing freely about how i feel without anyone knowing who i am (we all know how so called 'friends' view people with any mental health issues!). There isn't an ex-boyfriend to exorcise, or maybe there are several we'll see over the coming days and weeks just lots of jumbled feelings, of sadness, loneliness and lack of lustre for life any more.
So where to start? Well today, I went to bed. Yes, that's right, i got up with 45mins to get children up, washed, dressed, fed, lunches ready, bags packed and off to school. Then, i came home and went to bed and there I stayed until it was time (6 hrs later!) to go and collect my little angels from school.
This is the format my days have been taking for the past few weeks now, except for the 2 days a week that I work, although I usually do sneak back to bed as soon as I get home from work, leaving the children in front of the TV or playing while I do so.
I'm a single mum, having split up from my husband around 4 years ago and at the moment am finding life very hard. He wasn't a bad man at all, we just grew apart, you know how it happens. It creeps up on you slowly and eventually you realise that you are more like brother and sister than husband or wife, let alone lovers.
He's a good dad though and still plays a very active part in the children's lives having them to stay a couple of times a week, which gives me a break. Sometimes that break is a good thing, I can go out with friends and let my hair down, enjoy a relaxing evening on my own with the TV and/or a good book, and even allows for the occasional date! Don't worry they are very few and far between these days! Other times it feels like the worst thing in the world to be separated from my children - I can miss them like mad and nothing seems to make sense without them here. When I'm feeling like that I tend to sleep to try and get through the days without them, eagerly hoping that when i wake up it will be time for them to return.
This past couple of weeks I have been feeling particularly lonely and sad and lacking any motivation to do anything. I also do some work from home, only I don't at the moment as I have no motivation to do any. The housework is not getting done, I can't remember the last time I cooked a meal, the washing pile is unbelievable, i would never have believed we owned so many clothes and we really are muddling through. Alongside all this I am feeling very fat and ugly too.
I want to get fitter and lose weight but don't have the energy or motivation to do so. I saw a friend of mine this morning at the school gates who has the most gorgeous figure and was wearing a lovely dress with a belt to accentuate her tiny waist. I came home vowing that I too would look like that someday soon, no matter what it took, cutting out carbs or even food altogether. Of course, one chicken, bacon and mayo sandwich, two packets of crisps and a kit kat later i had forgotten all about that and decided that today was not the day to start any sort of new regime. I did buy two diet magazines at the shops on my way home though - so I'm sure they'll start working soon!
Just seen the time and it's getting late (it's gone 8.30pm you know) so think i will sign off now and go and have a bath and an early night.
Be back soon
Me
x
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