Feeling Blue

Well I can't say the weather has done much to help my mood today.  It's as grey out there as I feel inside at the moment.

My children have now gone off to their dad's for the entire weekend and I'm left with this hole and wondering what to do with myself.  You would think I would have got used to it by now after 4 years of this same routine.

Today I did some work for an hour or so this morning and then came home and went straight back to bed again until it was time for my school run. Luckily I remember that I was due there 20mins early to look at some work my eldest's class had been doing.

My house looks like a complete bombsite as everything is building up as I'm getting nothing done.  A friend popped over earlier which normally would have been highly embarassing, but whilst i made all the usual noises about ooh, sorry bout state of the place, actually i couldn't have cared less.

There's washing on the line that's been there for three days and is just going through this circle of drying, getting wet, nearly drying, getting wet.  I have vowed that the one thing I will achieve with my weekend if nothing else is that I will at least have clean uniforms for the children next week as well as pants and socks for everyday and that there will be no looking in the other ones drawers to see if they have anything clean that can be borrowed.

Guess I'm feeling pretty lonely too this week.  After a major falling out with my best friends over a month ago now (one which I have apologised for although I certainly wasn't all at fault, but still not being forgiven and being shunned and left out of the group) I am feeling lonely.  My friends have always meant so much to me, they're more like family and being single I guess I have relied too heavily on them.  Never thought that I did but now that they're not there am realising that there is little else left.

Having no one coming home at the end of the day and spending a lot of time at home as that's where I do the majority of my work (when I can be bothered and am not sleeping all day) I am noticing the lack of social interaction with my friends and think that's a major contributing factor to how I'm feeling now.

One of my very good friends (who still likes me - I think?) has had a really manic week herself workwise and so I haven't liked to trouble her with how I'm feeling.  Am also scared that if i scare her off by telling her how low I really am then I'll be left with no one at all.  We usually see each other several times a week but I haven't seen her since I can't remember when.  Certainly not for the last week, may have been last Thursday, if not before that, so over 8 days anyway.  We have sent the odd text to each other, but when she is so snowed under I don't want to tell her I am so sad as I don't want her feeling she should come over to see me but can't as so busy and then feeling guilty or dropping things to come and see me and then jeopardising her career.

To top everything off my 8 month old King Charles Spaniel keeps peeing in her bed!  I am constantly trying to wash her bedding and get it dry.  What's that all about?  Didn't think dogs usually urinated in places where they eat or sleep?  It's not that she's doing it overnight when she can't get out, she's doing it in the daytime when the outside door is open, right in front of me.  It's beginning to get on top of me now.

Can't even make a decision tonight as to what to have for dinner.  Whether to cook the pasta parcels that are in the fridge or to go out in all this rain and get a chinese takeaway.  Haven't had one for ages and am quite hungry, but don't know whether i can be bothered with either.

Am thinking that if i stop eating all together, which could be something that I feel I could be in control of in my life, then I might lose the 7 stone or so that I need to quite quickly.  Having done lots of exercise recently in aid of a 26mile sponsored walk that I did, am feeling quite fat and unfit again now.  The walking definitely helped with toning up and i can see that what little definition there was is definitely gone now.  I need to start again, but I'm not the sort of person to go walking on my own, which is why it was so good that there was a big group of us.

Maybe I'll just go to bed early and forget all about dinner, the housework, the proper paid work that is stacking up that I need to get done and maybe in the morning when I wake up it will magically be done!

Night all

xxx